It is currently midnight here and while my husband sleeps in the other room I am left sitting in the kitchen praying for an answer.

Stress has always been an issue for me and my social life. With work, I’m great under stress, but life is the most stressful task imaginable.

So here it is, my diary of emotions all spilled onto one canvas. I’m scared. I’m scared that I won’t be able to help my marriage financially. I’m scared I will damage my resume if I continue my job search. I’m so scared that I will end up in a job that won’t make me happy.

Is that so wrong?

I keep contemplating if I should even be given this option when it comes to making money, but I can’t help but feel like taking a job that makes me miserable will make my life miserable in turn.

I would gladly take a job that pays $12/hr if it is something that will make me wake up in the morning HAPPY and EXCITED to start the day rather than a job that pays twice-three times that amount that makes it hard to get out of bed every day.

Now I was raised by very hard-working parents. They are the best and I can only hope to be half as good as they are when I have my own children. But Mom and Dad, I don’t want to take a job just to take a job. I have tried that. It made each day another day closer to my weekend.

My passion is photography. Naturally I would love to do photography full-time. But since that is not something that is possible right now, I am drawn to these jobs that advertise marketing and graphic design and social media communications. I WANT a job in those fields.

Instead, I keep getting calls from insurance agencies asking me if I would like to start up a firm. I told the last guy that called me that “I am just not that interested in working in insurance and with compensation.” His response? “I can relate.” WHY would I want to go to work if it made me feel like that every day?

So I sit at home and mull over different ways I can tweak my resume or improve my portfolio in order to reach that feel-good job. That job that makes me feel inspired, challenged and energized. (Any employers reading this-take note)

I know I am a great worker and that I have a lot to offer. I know that I can help companies grow and in turn help myself grow in the process. I just want to find that opportunity. Until then, I will continue to sit at my kitchen table with my cup of tea—